So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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