Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
