so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Randomize
