im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
