so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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