Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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