Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
