I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
