did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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