im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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