I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
