Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
