it wasn't lemon gatorade
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
