After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
