hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I would ride that face into the sunset
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
