Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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