Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
