smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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