So drunk its hurt
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
