"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
