Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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