I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
