Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Randomize
