I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
