were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
