I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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