Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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