if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
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