I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
