I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
