the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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