I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
