I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
