hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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