How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
