Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
