Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
