my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
