I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
