i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
