i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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