so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize