I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
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