I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
