Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
