Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
