Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
