i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize