Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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