U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
