if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
