shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
