There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize