Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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