I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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