i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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