Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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