Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
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