I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
