My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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