Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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