shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
