you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I faked an abortion last night.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
